Day 35

Well the push for the end of the semester has arrived and we have three weeks left until finals. It is hard to believe that this school year is almost over but time flies when you are having a good time and finding ways to fill your time. I have not quite gotten every day but when I spend time with God I have found that my day just goes a lot smoother. That usually translates into the day after the night that I post because I have prepared my heart and I think about the next day's post throughout the next day. I have been faced with many choices since I have been here and just in the past few days I have made some decisions that I think will be extremely beneficial for my growth in Christ and just as a person in general. I am trying a different way of doing some things and I am just trying to show myself how I can prioritize and organize things that need to be taken care of immediately in my life versus things that need some time to develop and see where they are going. With people around me who want me to succeed and with the Spirit's guidance, I know that I can be stronger than I have been in previous weeks or months and that the peace I receive from it will be exactly what I have been searching for. Usually when I look for my success "certificate" or something like that, I usually end up making a mistake or something because I am trying to find validation or show myself that I am different and I am not quite ready for a leap that huge yet. I need to continue to take baby steps that allow me to grow into something. I try to jump in the deep end but I have not even learned how to swim in the shallow end yet and I cal stay up for a bit but as I begin to sink I need someone to come grab me or else I will continue to be overcome and I will lose the struggle.

One area in which I need to grow is just being a good listener and being completely obedient to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I pray for guidance all the time and I desire it but when it comes down to it, I really struggle with making the right decision when it comes to that tugging on my Spirit as to what is right and wrong. I can and do make the right decision frequently but I know that it can go either way and I am not 100% dedicated to following the Spirit. I know things would be a lot easier if I could convince myself that Spirit guidance is never going to fail me and if I could overcome my mind telling me that the Spirit is withholding something from me. There is no rationale for disobeying the guidance of the Spirit other than the fact that I am human, selfish, and greedy. I get in the habit of convincing myself that my decision is not really hurting me all that much or that I can recover rather quickly and I am just lying to myself and destroying a lot of hard work I have put into overcoming certain struggles. I am not afraid of the good that could come from my obedience and faithfulness but in some ways I am still trying to cling to the things that have gotten me into trouble but have temporarily not failed me so much. The thing is that God has never failed me, I have failed God countless times, the things of this world that I cling to are minute and show weakness, they entice me because of their accessibility but that is a lame argument because God is just as easily accessible and provides more joy and happiness than anything that the world can or does provide me. Proverbs 29:15 states, "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother." I am right in the middle of this right now and I hope to continue learning from the situation I am in and I do not want to make the same mistakes that got me here in the first place. The discipline that I have received is making me stronger but I need to be careful not to become too prideful about my progress or I am setting myself up to fail again because I feel like I am a better person and I think to myself that it cannot happen again but really I am more susceptible to failing and it being a bigger deal.

I start to feel convicted now when I do not post and though I did not post before bed, I feel like I woke up in the middle of the night so that I could post and I took the opportunity without deciding to just forget it. Thank you to those of you who are reading and commenting or encouraging me, it really means a lot. Please continue to pray for me!

God Bless,

Joseph Robinson