I have to face it, I am struggling. I cannot seem to bring myself on here daily to make a post about something I have a passion for. I think all the right things but when it comes to making decisions I crumble. It is like being a really good student but you play dumb so that you can fit in with other people. It is not about fitting in or trying to impress people, it is a matter of eternal life and eternal suffering. If I can put that thought into action then I will be able to fully attain what God has prepared for me. I sound like a broken record, maybe it is because I am human and I make mistakes but I know there is a line between mistakes and lifestyle. It is not insanity, it is poor choices and letting the enemy overtake my mind. I want to battle but I do not make a very formidable opponent because I cave under the pressure. I know the abilities I possess but I guess I am too bashful or afraid that it will not be enough to do what I am supposed to do. I talked with my coach last year after the National Tournament and we discussed the fact that I was an All-American and what that meant but then we evaluated my two games at the tournament after I had been presented with my award. I was not playing scared but I felt like there were people that felt I did not deserve it and I guess you could say I was playing scared in the sense that I did not want too make it easier for them to say that I really should not have received such an honorable award. I backed down in terms of confidence and self-destructed from the inside, I sort of let my team down in that sense but I was not consciously trying to play scared. It is natural for me to try and stay humble and not give credit to myself where it is due. In the same way, I feel like I have the ability to follow God closely and I have proved it to him before, I just am not sure what that looks like for my life and I know that a spotlight will be on me. I have to maintain focus that it is not to impress a girl who I think is a truly Godly girl, its not because I am in a leadership position, it is not because my friends will judge my actions if I say I am a Christian and I fail repeatedly, it has to be for me and for the purpose of fulfilling the call of Christ. I need help from others but more importantly I need to help myself come out of the dark and back to where the light shines.
Lamentations 3:19-33 states, "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a young man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust--there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." It is nice to be reminded that while I may be struggling or suffering, His plan is still in motion and my hope in Him will not fail. Trusting him will be a process and it is going to take me overcoming my mind so that the decisions I make are a reflection of the hope that is in me and the desire of my heart, not the desires of my mind. Wisdom is utilizing the knowledge that we have to our greatest benefit and I am not very wise if I continue to make decisions that lead to destruction and fear. I think I found out this week why I am here in Minnesota for school but only time will tell. I feel like doors are being opened for me but I cannot let myself be enticed by Satan and allow him to distract me while the door closes. Marianne Williamson wrote, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." I should be conscious that I have the power to decide my fate and as such, the decisions I make will shape who I am. It is not easy to overcome yourself and the world but it is a simple as making the right decision.
I hope you all have a good day and I hope that God's light is shining on you. Please continue to pray for me and I will pray for you.
God Bless,
Joseph Robinson
