Day 50

I struggle everyday to overcome myself and the world. It seems that just when I think I can get stronger, I back myself into a corner and try to justify sin. I cannot tell you how wrong I am for doing this but I am trying to make effective changes. It is almost as if Satan is trying to tell me that I can never do it and I am not strong enough and sometimes it just gets to me. I definitely need to do a better job of putting my armor on everyday so I can be on the defense and the attack. I know that in one of the first 30 days I talked about memorizing verses and I have not done so yet. I know this is something I can do to continue to grow more and will be implementing this into my daily studies as I continue to seek God. I have found that I say many things that I should do yet I do not necessarily do and that is no help to me at all. The only way I can help myself is by implementing the things that I find will help me grow. I bet thousands of people make mistakes everyday and know how to make changes but they simply just do not do it. Sometimes it is just being lazy because it takes work to make changes and other times it is just defiance which is wrong as well. I would say that I am on the lazy side and that needs to change for sure. I need to step up my work for God not only in my life but also in the work of others and if those around me are willing to help, I definitely need it. We are not supposed to go through our Christian walk alone and that is one reason why I wish I could generate more responses out of this; because I know that some of you might just read this and its all you are getting but you need more support. I NEED help, I need support, I am not afraid to ask for help and I surely cannot have much integrity if I am willing to go on living certain ways and never ask for help when I know it is available. 

Today, I am just going to post some verses that kind of reflect how I feel during my walk and respond to them as honest as I possibly know how. Psalm 41:4-12 states, "I said, 'O Lord, have mercy on me; heal me, for I have sinned against you.' My enemies say of me in malice, 'when will he die and his name perish?' Whenever one comes to see me, he speaks falsely, while his heart gathers slander, then he goes out and spreads it abroad. All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me, saying, 'A vile disease has beset him; he will never get up from the place where he lies.' Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me. But you, O Lord, have mercy on me; raise me up, that I may repay them. I know that you are pleased with me, for my enemy does not triumph over me. In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever." It is so hard to keep coming to God when you screw up time and time again. I know right from wrong and I still do wrong sometimes because I think that I will gain some benefit from it. This is a false sense of security from Satan and it comes with every type of sin. I struggle when my friends constantly tell me that they cannot wait for me to start drinking or they think I will be a crazy party animal who sleeps with various girls and drinks alcohol on weekends. These people are technically my enemy who speak malice to me and they want to see my spiritual name die and perish. These people are essentially the same people who are the whisperers who wait for me to fall and then they do not want me to get back up from where I am at. I have even had a few close friends who have turned against God even when I did what I could to hold on to them. There were times when I screwed up though in front of them and I think I gave them the wrong perception of myself and in turn it was my fault for letting them slip away instead of them walking away.

But of all the bad things I have done, I know that God will have mercy on me as long as I continue to seek him and am actually TRYING to make changes wholeheartedly. I pray that one day (soon) he will be pleased with everything I do because I do not let the enemy triumph over me and that he would be able to use the example of the integrity I have to change the lives of many college students and teens all over this nation. It starts small but it will spread like a wildfire if I let it. People are searching for something, they do not know what to look for and Jesus is their only hope. Even when I feel like i do not know how I will get through something, God will always pull me through. Whether it is a break-up, a death in the family, struggling in my walk, just being alone, or simply just school, God is always there and he will see us through until the end and then when the end comes he will be there for eternity. I am not going to lie, I have struggled a lot in the past week and I just know that there is something more that I am missing and I need to pray to God to reveal it to me. But I can also use your help, I know that God is here for me but I need my brothers and sisters to rally around me and build me up otherwise I will slowly start to wither and become stagnant. 

I pray that God is doing great things in all of your lives and I pray that he gives everyone safe travels over the holiday season and that he is watching out for all of our personnel overseas in the war zones. I hope you all had a great Thursday and I pray that God blesses you and you family.

Your brother in Christ,

Joseph Robinson