I'm such a mess, I do not even know where to begin. The last few months have been crazy and very testing. My patience, pride, strength (physical, emotional, and spiritual), knowledge, wisdom, etc. Everything has been tested to the limit and I am trying to keep myself from hitting a breaking point. I have tried journaling but I'm not much for writing stuff out by hand. The only constant place to write my thoughts has been on this blog. I can be honest in saying I have not done a very good job of writing on here as consistently as I had intended when I first started blogging. I will say that I have made progress in the last 4 1/2 years. I am not as far along as I thought I would be at this point but I think it is time to start making progress. I have hurt, used, lied, dragged down, discouraged, and outright shown people the opposite of who my parents raised me to be and ultimately who I believe God intended me to be. It is by the grace of God that I stand where I am today and am able to say I still am hanging on to Him, albeit by a thread. I have thought so many times about giving up on what I am doing and just tying to find an easy road. It sounds funny, but the coward inside me does not drive me away from what I am doing, it pushes me toward my goals. I know that sounds like an oxymoron but I am too afraid to quit for fear of what others will think of me and that internally pushes me to find a way to succeed or at the very least see something through to completion. I say this a lot but I believe it is a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I will not give up on something but I will be completely miserable while doing it. I still try to put forth my best effort but internally I am struggling with carrying on. I know that I serve a purpose for being here, that I am not just another person who will go through the motions on earth and have no major impact. I have no clue what I want to actually do anymore. The sports industry is not as glamorous as you would think it is. Everything I have heard from people in the industry to this point makes me think I will have no time for my family, my life will be dedicated to my job, and I will work long hours with very little time to attend church. I love sports and I strongly want them to be apart of my life but I am not willing to give up my life for this. If I can find a job that allows me to work in sports (at a university or for a professional team) and not demand 12-15 hours a day, I would definitely pursue it. I know not every job in the industry is so busy but the position is probably not the GM of the Los Angeles Dodgers. God is shaping my mind to focus on what he wants and he is continually trying to get me back on a daily path towards Him and I hope that I can continue to do that.
Psalm 139:23-24 states, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." I prayed a very simple prayer last week and God came through in a big way. Even when I have not been faithful to Him, He has still been faithful to me. Throughout high school and college He allowed me to play without any significant injuries. I got hurt but was able to play thorough those periods of being hurt and not miss any games. However, I was more concerned with winning than I was with building stronger friendships with everyone on my team and for that I need to apologize to my teammates. I feel as though I was a good leader in terms of trying to motivate and work hard on the field but off the field as a friend and relationally, I was not always the best. I do know that God is working in me and I need to let Him continue to work if I want to be successful in life. I have lived a very short 23 and a half years but I also know that the rest are going to be just as short and I will be old in just a short period of time. I have passed the point where I need to stop wasting time and life so that I can grow and begin to do what I was placed here to do.
Thank you for anyone who is still reading this and who has supported me throughout the years. I am going to ACTUALLY try and be more consistent at this. I will be praying for you continually and am forever indebted to those who have always been here.
God Bless,
Joseph Robinson
No comments:
Post a Comment