Tangled

Tonight I do not even know where to start, I know that my heart has not been in much the last few months. This semester was not bad but I definitely wish I had cared a little more. The only thing I cared about was baseball and that was really only morning workouts for the most part but since then I have not done much. I am a team leader but I have done nothing to impact my team recently and that needs to change. I took a class this semester on leadership and teamwork and I know that there are areas in which my team can improve. We are not terrible and we are not falling apart but we can patch up some areas. In my own life, I have been crumbling. I have not read my bible outside of church or sat down and sincerely prayed in... I do not know how long. I have so many emotions and feelings going through me all the time but usually I have no idea how to convey them and I end up hurting myself or even worse, God. I wish I could come on here and say that I am doing well or say that I have been busy and that is why I do not post but in all honesty I think it is just that I am trying to hide and I am scared of being so broken. My sister tells me all the time that I am the best and every time I hear that, I cannot help but feel terrible because I do not do anything to deserve that comment from her. I feel like I am tangled in so many different situations and there is no way out, everyday, I meet someone or I make decisions with my friends and it seems like nothing is ever right or I just run into complications. I understand, it is life, things are not easy and decisions are a part of it but you would think that eventually I would just stop being an idiot and listen to what my heart is telling me instead of acting based on thinking. I guess that just goes along with maturity and someday I will achieve the level that I desire to be at and then I will continue to grow but I do not know how much longer I can last in the current situation. I can only will myself to be better and actually pray for strength to make it through.

I know I can rely on God and that he will never leave me but I have completely neglected God. I can convey the way he wants me and others to act and I can discuss his word with other people just like anyone else who knows the word, I just cannot push myself to act on ALL of it I guess for the simple lack of trust. I know how it feels to be in his presence and I know that the things of this world are temporary but I guess in someways I still feel like he is holding out on me. I know this is a lie from the pit of hell and I need to get over it and move on but it just seems so much easier to do it my way. I try to surrender myself to him but I have gotten so good at faking it now, I cannot even tell if I am being sincere. I know that there is one time in my life when I left something at the altar and it actually stayed there because I did not come back to pick it up. I need that again and I need to find a place within my heart that allows me to do that again. I am not willing to go down without a fight but I do not want to just fight, I am going to win, Satan cannot bind me forever, he can deceive me and scar me but Jesus said that by his stripes I am healed and one day these wounds will heal. Deuteronomy 30:19-20 states, "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. NOw I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life. And if you love and obey the Lord, you will live long in the land the Lord swore to your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." The most important part of this verse is in the middle when it states, "You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life." Getting to this point is such a tough task but when a Christian does it, they have finally gotten what it means to have turned it all over to Christ. You cannot hold anything back from Christ and profess your love for him. This is not an earthly marriage with earthly possessions and feelings involved, it is a spiritual marriage with your heart, soul, and love on the line, you cannot keep anything from him. I really hope this sets in for me because I need something right now, I have hope and I know I am not a lost cause but I know what it is like to feel like you are and I know many people who have that feeling and if you feel that way, I want you to know that you are not a lost cause and God has something for you, everything you are experiencing and have gone through is just to build you into who you need to be fore Christ.

I am home for a few weeks and I have TONS of time on my hands, I am GOING to post everyday, I am tired of saying I am going to TRY, trying means I do not want to, I am pushing myself to be stronger and to be open over the next few weeks and see where this thing goes. It is time to takeoff again so hold on to your seats because I know God is going to wreck some people over the next few weeks. I hope you are all doing well, as always, comments are appreciated!

God Bless,

Joseph Robinson